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YOUR HOME — A camel spider you unknowingly adopted during your recent Iraq deployment has expressed excitement at the prospect of finally meeting you. "I can't believe how
TRIPLER ARMY MEDICAL CENTER, Hawaii — With cases of the heavily hyped coronavirus rising, military medical practitioners are preparing to combat the illness with the same expert care they applied to
KABUL -- Army Spc. Wyatt Allen was furious Thursday after finding a rifle unattended in a portable latrine on Bagram Air Base, sources say. Allen became even angrier when he
MOSUL, Iraq -- Islamic State leader Abu Abdul Bari always suspected infidel intelligence services were on to him. For years, he lived in fear of the CIA, Mossad, and the
CORONADO, Calif. – Sources close to the Naval Special Warfare Command (NAVSPECWARCOM) have revealed the command has discreetly severed ties with the public relations firm of Livingston, Aldred, and Burley. Contracted
FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Cpl. Marcus Watkins of the 173rd Logistical Battalion has inspired hundreds by actually doing his job, sources report. Watkins has been praised for filling out paperwork on
As we stand on the precipice of yet another shitty little conflict, I was taken aback with the news that the Selective Service website recently crashed due to the overwhelming
FORT MEADE, Md. — Army Sgt. Ryan Mayers is reported to be the best cyber operative in the entire Department of Defense. He has personally hacked into the mainframes of Russia,
THIS CRAZY, BEAUTIFUL WORLD — Some moments in nature are beautiful simply because of how rare they are. Many beautiful events are nothing compared to the glory that is a raven
YOUR COLON – Hello human carrier. It is us, the grains of sand stuck so far up your bunghole that you’d need a colonoscopy by a real civilian doctor to
WASHINGTON — The Department of Veteran Affairs will now guarantee a loan to help service members leave their spouses, Secretary Robert Wilkie confirmed today. The loan looks to provide financial stability
WASHINGTON – The U.S. Army has announced its newest line of 2020 chest candy. Secretary of the Army Ryan McCarthy revealed that the significant expansion of the badge inventory is
The commander of a military dining facility at Bagram Airbase was fired this week due to a "loss of condiments" within his command, according to a Resolute Support
THE PENTAGON — The Army may have a new physical fitness test, but the Navy has countered with a new Combat Fatness Test. All chief petty officers and above are going
WASHINGTON – Austrian daredevil Felix Baumgartner was awarded U.S. Space Force jump wings today, making him the very first recipient of the new service’s most coveted badge. The U.
WASHINGTON — The tenth Secretary of Veterans Affairs, The Honorable Robert Wilkie, is proud to announce his agency finally has mailed Navy veteran Kirk Douglas his disability rating decision. The Veterans
FORT LEE, Va. — Lt. Col. Wendell Bowers caused the United States to lose the Global War on Terror this week after he allowed his S3 section leave prior to 1900
WASHINGTON, Planet Earth – The first Chief of Space Operations, Gen. John Raymond, deeply regrets crowdsourcing the name for America’s newest military branch, according to sources. “I thought it would
RESOLUTE SUPPORT HQ, Afghanistan — The potential for an end to The Forever War has prompted the generals in Afghanistan to scramble to create a formal plan for how to leave.
WASHINGTON — General Paul E. Funk II, Commander of US Army Training and Doctrine Command, released his command philosophy this week. Sources confirm it is just a list of inspirational memes
FORT KNOX, Ky. – Army Human Resources Command (HRC) announced that Russian and Chinese army personnel specialists will review officer records in an “international delight” section of the new Battalion Commander
MOSCOW — The Kremlin has decided to cease a variety of malign activities for Lent, reports say. The 40-day period includes all manner of hybrid warfare activities ranging from assassinating dissidents
WASHINGTON — As the Army evaluates several prototype aircraft for its Future of Vertical Lift modernization initiative, one coal-powered tiltrotor is quickly gaining popularity with Congress. “This amazing piece of machinery
FORT BRAGG — Devout Catholic and dedicated first sergeant Anthony Lawrence has decided to give up on the soldiers in his company for the 40-day period of Lent this year. The
DJIBOUTI — An American soldier battling a potentially life-threatening coronavirus infection is just thankful he is not stationed at Fort Polk, Louisiana. “I try to keep a positive attitude because there
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