LA GRANGE, Texas — Beloved Rock and Roll Hall of Fame artist ZZ Top has retained the services of Jimmy, Jojo, Kim, and Keith LLP to seek unspecified damages from the Transportation Security Administration for racial profiling and generally making them feel lowdown in the street before their USO tour in Afghanistan last week.

“One agent — who I only know by Lola — was out of control! I could tell she didn't like our rhythm and blues. She went as far to say she was going to take me downtown and look inside my tush!" said legendary guitarist Billy Gibbons choking back tears. “She even took my cheap sunglasses!”

Dusty Hill, the band’s bass player, attempted to calmly diffuse the situation, but to no avail. “We tried pointing out to TSA that terrorists could not be men who were this sharply dressed. That is when they threatened to take out their night sticks and hurt us real, real, bad!”