Five sides, zero accountability
Pentagon staff unsure whether to update safety briefs or call a meteorologist.
“Unless it tastes good or looks cool, I am completely out of fucks to give,” said one citizen.
Despite lacking a Ranger tab, defense secretary critiques women who earned theirs
Defense Secretary allegedly confused training for a ‘how-to’ seminar.
Admiral also responsible for 90% of what’s wrong with America
SECDEF roots out deep state bureaucrats pushing radical left ideologies of law and ethics.
“He promised accountability,” says lawyer holding 3,000-page indictment.
The policy was praised by creepy E-7s going through their second divorce.
Insurgents reportedly retreating into suburbs to secure oat milk supplies
"Being perpetually blitzed isn’t medically advisable,” said a Navy doctor. “But behaviorally? It tracks.”
After each crossing at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, sentinels now scream “AFLAC!”
It's nice to know he's having the time of his life.
Hegseth expected to ring Pentagon bell at close of every operation.
Donation will “tide everyone over” until someone finds seven billion more cans
Congress assures troops that poverty builds character.
Sources confirm women still permitted in actual Pentagon, for now
Generals brace for height/weight checks, essay contests, and trial by combat
Defense secretary insists meeting is secure because it’s on Google Calendar as “Private”
Pete Hegseth demands designs that are ‘super fucking lethal.’
DoD pledges undivided attention to all six commands at once using math, magic, and PowerPoint
Recruiting offices report record surge in male applicants aged 13 to 97
Secretary of War orders maximum lethality, receives minimum validation
Check rejected after department fails standard government name verification form
Audit finds lack of dead hang directly correlated with collapse of two nations
Banana tariffs, China, and showing his butt top agenda for new flack
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